so things have been on downward spiral.

i dont know what im doing and i also dont know what it takes to make me happy. a guy, maybe? but thats not it. i can be happy without a guy i think. but ive never been happy.... like really happy. im always wanting more- always getting mad at myself that my life isn't perfect, that im not perfect, that everything i want i cant get because i should be able to.

im not a socialite. i dont have an exciting crazy life. in new york, im nobody. i dont have a bf who is anyone special. or even one that thinks im special. but thats not it.

i think i was born with this idea that you have to have it all. or that the ones who really deserve it, will have it all. like i want to be this amazing person, and im not. im just... normal. im not edie sedwick. im not kate moss. im not anyone that anyone wants to know about. im not tinsely mortimer. im not good enough for myself.

i have to turn it all around. but how? i blow every chance i have. w, mike, cheyne, paul- i think in some fucked up way i do it on purpose. i cant imagine why. im not afraid of success. i love success. i just dont have it. i just dont seem to want it- really. im not carrie bradshaw. im no one special and i could be if i had that gene but i dont. what can i say? how do i change this- this weird feeling that i can never be satisfied because i'll never be the person i want to be. ill never do the things i want to do. its happening already. i want cosmo but then i think, why arent i at vogue? i'm jessica stein.

life sucks and thats basically it

its a good thing no one reads this. because then i might be afraid to say that im no good at my job, i have no passion for celebrity pr, i have a serious problem with boys and i am not happy.

i dont know if its even not happy. im complacent. i live life. i do what i have to do, and i go out on the weekends and i've given up looking for meaning in things.

i came here for two reasons (lets be honest). i came here to become a magazine journalist and i came here to get away from the only boy i have ever loved.

he loves her now- but that is actually okay with me. yes, i feel a twinge of pain when i hear something too sweet about her, but thats human, and besides that, im fine. but the job- i came here for a reason, to write, and i dont even care whether im any good at it- i love it.

i love making things sound pretty. i love working with words. i even love grammar and commas and semi-colons. what i dont love is adjectives like "amazing" and "beautiful" and "stunning"- empty adjectives i used to call them- and thats all im allowed to use. i hate pr. i hate this kind of writing, i love that inner struggle- knowing a story is in there even when its painstaking to find. finding it or learning more from not finding it. i want to be a writer. so what am i doing?

yeah it looks good on the resume, but it feels like shit.